As first-time mothers, the excitement and anxiety about birth can be overwhelming. So much so that we've resorted to putting all of our trust into our care providers for information and decision making when it comes to pregnancy, birth, and newborn care. After all, they've seen and know it all! Right? While it certainly is comforting having a care provider that has seen more and knows more about birth and babies, it is so important to keep in mind that they are not, in fact, all-knowing. They do not always have our best interests in mind, and they do not have authority over our medical care. That is not to say that there are no care providers out there that are fabulous at what they do and genuinely care about their patients. There absolutely are! However, as I talk about my experience with my first pregnancy and birth, I'd like you to keep an open mind about all of the other stuff going on behind the scenes (and right in front of your eyes) when you sign on with a care provider, and why it is so important to ask the right questions and know at least the wrong answers to listen for so that you can choose the best provider for you.
The Pregnancy:
I became pregnant with our first baby after months of trying, seeing a fertility specialist and undergoing several tests, having a Hysteroscopy to remove polyps from the opening of my cervix, being told after that surgery that IVF was our best bet at conceiving a child, and then switching to another clinic where we demanded we try a round of fertility drugs before spending thousands on an in-vitro procedure. We were unexpectedly successful on the first round of Clomid and Ovidrel. As we were in the middle of buying a home across the country, and my husband was due to deploy around our son's due date, we decided I would move myself and our two dogs after closing on our home 3,000 miles away so I could establish care. The thought of either having to birth our new baby alone and then care for that newborn baby with no help since all of our family was across the country, or having to move myself, our two big dogs, all of our belongings, AND a newborn baby without the help of my dear husband just didn't seem like an option for us. It was a very tough decision for us to make, but we were putting all our trust in God!
I had always dreamed of having home births with my babies. While I was on the track of natural living, I definitely didn't fully understand what that meant. I mean, I still ate fast food and junk food, I hated to garden, and I definitely still relied on over-the-counter meds. So even when searching for a care provider I didn't know what to look for in a midwife to give myself the best chance to achieve my natural birth the way I wanted. I knew some about what I did and didn't want, but I was not prepared for all of the other little things about pregnancy and birth that didn't come up in all my research. Additionally, CNMs were not legally allowed to attend home births in my state at that time (and I did not know about free birth yet, and likely wouldn't have felt confident or prepared enough to try it even if I had). All of the midwives I had found were connected to OB/GYN's and definitely had their limitations. I now know that they were actually med-wives (medical midwives), and knew little about what an undisturbed, physiological birth looks like.
Because I didn't know any better, I had no complaints about the care I received from the midwives I saw. Since I didn't have my husband with me, I invited my mother to join me for one of my earlier appointments where I had my first round of questions to ask the midwife. After all, I planned on my mother being with me for the birth of my first child, and her first grandchild. Unfortunately, COVID had just started hitting the United States when I became pregnant, and by the time I established prenatal care they had issued the COVID guidelines in hospitals. I was only allowed to have one visitor and one certified doula at my birth. Turning to my mother I said, "Well, I guess you're getting certified as a doula!" To which she replied, "Well, I guess I am!"
I had a dream pregnancy, but experienced all of the big first moments without my husband to experience them with me. It was hard, but I had my family for most of it. I made my decision on care providers based off the "birth center" I would be delivering at. I say "birth center" because it was 100% a hospital, just in a large room where they didn't transfer me from room to room for different stages of maternal care. But more on that later. While I had a great pregnancy, I was completely unaware of just how much testing and shots regular pregnancy care involved. The screening tests, the ultrasounds, the cervical checks, the glucose test, the Rhogam shot for Rh- mothers, the GBS test, the pre-e monitoring, etcetera. Unfortunately, I did not know that I was "allowed" to decline any of these tests. No one ever told me! I just went with the flow and let them do what I thought was necessary. When the Rhogam shot and vaccinations came up, they did not give me the tiniest inkling that I had a choice in the matter. It was "you have to take the Rhogam so we're going to do that today." I also was completely unaware what being Rh- meant. And while I also now know that if your partner who you conceived with is also a negative blood type, you definitely don't have to take that shot since your baby will also be a negative blood type! I was not informed, I was told. And I didn't know any better. I did no research on my own on all the tests they were running and shots they were giving, I just blindly followed. I only did research on labor and birth! I now look back at those appointments and feel sick to my stomach about how I had no idea of my rights and how blind to it all I had been.
Thankfully, I had no "issues" arise with all of those prenatal tests they ran. I was lucky, considering how often misdiagnoses and the over-diagnoses happen! That would have been a whole other story on how my birth could have gone.
The Birth:
I need to disclaim here that I would not classify my first birth as necessarily traumatic. My experience is very mild compared to the horror stories I have heard from other women's hospital birth experiences. Please keep that in mind when reading about my first birth experience - I am aware that my story is not terrible in comparison!
We had a couple home projects we wanted to get done before this baby got here, and I just knew that I was going to go past 40 weeks anyway. After all, most first time mothers do! Our bedroom walls needed to be painted and carpets needed to be ripped up. Our mattress lay on our living room floor while the renovations took place. It was a mess!
Our estimated due date was October 14th. My husband flew in on the 5th of October to begin his parental leave, we had our maternity photos taken on the 7th, and I went into labor on the 9th - five days "early"!
While my husband painted our bedroom, my mother and I spent the day over at my aunt and uncle's, and my grandmother's house (on my mother's side). We had such a lovely time walking their property, making food, having long chats, and eating a yummy meal. Early that evening after our dinner, I started feeling the familiar tightening and pressure low in my uterus. Only this time I could feel a clear start and end to the sensation. "Am I in labor?" I wondered. I sat on my grandmothers living room floor leaning over a yoga ball, contraction timer app in hand. They were several minutes apart and just barely strong enough to make me think it wasn't Braxton Hicks contractions. Around 7:00pm we decided to head back to the house so I could shower and sleep. The contractions ceased during the shower, and I felt silly for thinking it was labor.
3:00am came and I still hadn't gotten to sleep. I struggled to get off the mattress on our living room floor (our bedroom floors were still not done) and went to the bathroom. *PLOP* There went my mucus plug. Thirty minutes later those fun little contractions started up again. I let my husband and mother sleep while they became stronger. By around 5:30am my husband woke up to me quietly groaning and breathing through the surges, and I told him I was pretty sure I was in labor (DUH!). Shortly after when they got a little stronger, but still early labor and actually exciting, my mother came out because she heard me vocalizing through the contractions. We called the OB/GYN's office as soon as they opened and they told us to come on in to get checked (we lived an hour away).
I was having consistent contractions the whole drive to the office, but was still able to function enough to put a little makeup on in between them. My husband was nervously pressing harder on the gas every time a surge came and went. Since I was definitely in labor and vocalizing through contractions, they got me checked pretty quickly so I didn't have to wait in the waiting room disturbing the other pregnant mothers. They said I could head over to the "birthing center" in a few hours since I was only at 3cm (now I understand how irrelevant that is to determining length of labor). We decided to go grab a bite to eat at this cute little cafe/coffee shop my mother and I would go to after my regular prenatal appointments. My husband and I stood outside doing the labor dance and definitely attracted some attention from the customers. My mother came back out giggling and said "one of the girls in there was telling her coworker about the woman in labor outside and wondering why she wasn't going to the hospital. The other girl said 'that's actually smart to wait as long as you can before checking into the hospital!' Haha!" We ended up going back there a couple of days later with my newborn baby boy and showed him off. It was oddly special to me - "Look what I did!"
Once we checked into the "birthing center" a couple hours later, they brought us to a large birthing suite that had a shower with a shower seat and a pull out couch for my husband. I had freedom to labor on my own and for the most part, they left us alone. I had talked to them at every prenatal appointment about my birth plan, as well as printed out a full plan and a quick reference plan for the hospital staff:
No Pitocin or fluids
Don't even offer me an epidural
No episiotomy, manual breaking of waters, or other interventions
No coached pushing
No restrictions on movement, food, or drink
Labor/push/birth in any position I want
I wear my own clothes
The placenta will come on its own, without cord tension
Immediate skin-to-skin
Delayed cord clamping
Husband cuts the cord
No taking my son away from me after the birth, and definitely no leaving the room
Golden hour before any tests
No vaccines, ointment, or drops
No circumcision
No baths or rubbing off the glorious vernix
The contractions kept coming and getting stronger over the next few hours. I fought them as they came and they were definitely very painful and I feared the onset of each one. I screamed through each one as they came, and I squeezed the bed rail hard. My entire body tensed through each surge, which I now understand contributed to the intense labor pains.. Oops! At one point, one of the nurses came in to check on baby's heart rate during a contraction. Contractions had slowed down a little (now I know this is the calm before the storm that can happen just before baby is born!) and she waited three minutes before saying "Are we sure she's in labor?" *insert internal screaming here.* If I hadn't have been so focused on the onset of the next contraction, which came quickly after this nurse's remark, I surely would have told her not to come back.
I started feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom, so my husband helped me to the toilet. As soon as I sat down I yelled "mom, I'm pushing!". My body was pushing all on its own (fetal ejection reflex) - I couldn't help it! While my husband helped me back to the bed and I got on elbows and knees (not an ideal position for pushing since my butt was in the air), my mom popped her head out and told the nurses I was pushing. I'm not sure when the midwife came or how many nurses flooded the room, I was far too focused on the pain. I screamed through pushing contractions on elbows and knees for an hour. A very long hour. Understanding now that I was keeping my son from being able to move down by having gravity working against us on elbows and knees, I fully believe that is why my pushing stage was so very long.
"Is anything happening?!" I desperately asked, to which the midwife responded, "Do you feel like anything is happening?" *insert more internal screaming and cursing at yet another "care" provider.* I finally gave in to the midwife and flipped over to my back (also not a great position - UGH!). I pushed for another half hour on my back. I was exhausted. I fell asleep in between each pushing contraction. My midwife said that I wasn't fully dilated so she was going to manually move my cervix out of the way during contractions - which I certainly could not consent to in my state of mind. It was horribly painful and uncomfortable with each contraction she used her fingers to open my cervix further as his head slowly emerged.
Another half hour went by. "We have mec," I heard the midwife say. The ring of fire I vaguely remember feeling, and his head was born. The cord was wrapped around his neck and body twice, which is a normal occurrence in birth. However, that along with the meconium (also a variation of normal) seemed to be made a big deal. Another push came and his body was born at 4:33pm, and they put him directly onto my stomach. I couldn't believe it! I was in so much shock I didn't even know what to do with this warm, wet, tiny little thing! I didn't have enough time to figure it out, though. They immediately clamped and cut the cord and whisked him away.
Side note: the placenta provides oxygen and other nutrients to your baby through the cord blood. When your baby is born, they are missing about 1/3 of their blood volume. The total amount of blood shared between your baby and the placenta is about 450ml. Your baby will have 300ml at birth, while the placenta holds about 150ml. This blood is passed to your baby in those first 2-5 minutes after birth. Once the cord turns white and limp and is no longer pulsating is when that process is complete.
If meconium was a concern for baby aspirating, the last thing that should have been done was clamping and cutting the cord. Additionally, I made it very clear all necessary checks should have been done with my baby on me. "Is he okay?!" I frantically asked. I couldn't even see where they took my baby I had just worked so very hard to birth. At least my husband was over with him. I heard my son cry, they wiped him down, wrapped him up, put a hat on him and brought him back to me. The baby bliss and the postpartum high distracted me from everything else going on in the room. I stared down at his tiny face and all I could do was cry and say hello. I studied every single detail of his tiny face and hands.
After The Birth:
I noticed the midwife was tugging on my cord and I asked "should I be pushing?" to which she responded "do you feel like pushing?" *insert yet another internal scream* "Uhh, no," and I just let her continue as the placenta slipped out like a jellyfish. I then looked over and noticed they had hooked me up to the IV and there was something dripping. "What is that in my IV?" I asked breathlessly and hormone high. "That's Pitocin," the nurse responded. "...Oh... Okay," was all I could say as my exhaustion set in and I cuddled my son in my arms. I continue to look back on all of these details and I am sick to my stomach at how compliant I was. I did not fight them on anything that they ignored from my very clear birth plan I communicated both on paper and verbally. I declined Pitocin and they gave it to me anyway? After the placenta had come? Because of the "risk" of hemorrhage? Without even saying anything to me? Without getting my consent? I can't believe it. Yet, this happens every single day in hospitals. It's routine. It's normalized. It's "policy" (which does not supersede law, by the way).
Side note: Always check the inserts for drugs and/or vaccines they want to give you. justtheinserts.com has thorough information and linked resources for you to review. Pitocin, for example, can actually CAUSE hemorrhage, among many other postnatal problems that may hinder your breastfeeding journey and/or bonding experience with your newborn baby, maternal death, fetal death, brain bleeds, coma, neonatal seizures, and more. Mothers are not given any of the information on risks of using this common, routine drug in labor and birth. In other words, informed consent is severely lacking for pregnant women.
The rest of his tests were done in our room, as requested. I was able to shower but definitely needed help. My back and shoulders were insanely weak and sore from pushing on my elbows and knees for so long. I was very very swollen and could not sit straight on the shower chair, and I definitely could not stand. I needed help standing and walking, even sitting up in bed. My body felt so broken. My mother left after a time to get an air mattress so she could stay in the room with us overnight, but the night shift nurse told us it wasn't allowed. So she came back in the morning instead. I spent a lot of the night checking on my baby and trying to nurse (we later found out he had four oral ties, but that is another story for a later blog). Thankfully, my husband was an incredible help throughout the entire process. He was perfect during the labor and birth, and he continued to be so through it all.
We told everyone who came into our room that we were leaving by 11:00am with or without our paperwork or the pediatrician's "approval". We packed everything up, the pediatrician came in with his little backpack and said we were good to go (as long as we promised to bring our son back the next day for another bilirubin test), and they got the discharge papers and everything else to us just as the nurse was bringing in a wheelchair for me to leave. We did it! Out in 24 hours!
We had a stressful hour drive home as I was so severely uncomfortable and had to sit on the Boppy breastfeeding pillow as a donut - this is not usually recommended, by the way. Our son was surprisingly content for the majority of the ride, though! The rest of our families were waiting for us at our home to welcome their first grandchild and nephew (my husband and I had that beautiful honor to be the first children of all of our siblings to have a baby). My in-laws had even gone to our house to finish our floors for us while we were at the hospital - bless them! We felt so loved and honored to have such incredible family be a part of our first moments as parents. It was truly amazing and unforgettable.
Reflection:
It wasn't until I became pregnant with my second child that I truly began to reflect on the events of the birth of my son. In fact, I had felt fairly good about my birth because most of my expectations (both good and bad) were somewhat met.
I expected a lot of pain: Check!
I expected my birth plan not to be followed perfectly: Check!
I expected a rough recovery: Check!
I expected no pain meds being used for my birth: Check!
We had moved to another state where it was recently made legal for CNM's to deliver babies at home. While it was indeed legal, however, there were no legal midwives in my area doing home births. The only two options I had that did not involve a hospital birth was several different stand-alone birth centers an hour or further away, or having no provider at all and birthing by myself at home. I found this facebook group called Home Birth Assisted/Unassisted Uncensored. I had no idea unassisted birth was a thing, let alone completely legal! Of course it makes sense that it is perfectly legal, though. Nobody has the right to force medical care and procedures on you. It has always been your legal right to refuse medical interventions, so why would it be any different in pregnancy?
I researched like crazy on all things Free Birth/Unassisted Birth. I learned more about the usual medical interventions and complications associated with them in hospital settings (and even some midwife attended home birth settings). I learned about the cascade of interventions. I learned about true, undisturbed, physiological birth. I read studies and articles and found incredible resources like Evidence Based Birth, Just The Inserts, Your Whole Baby, Dr. Brewers Pregnancy Diet, Free Birth Society Podcast, and so much more. I learned about natural remedies, herbs and tinctures, variations of what a normal birth could look like, labor positions and techniques to achieve certain goals, emergency protocols, and on and on. In my next personal birth story blog I'll talk much more about this entire process along with my incredible, healing Free Birth experience with my daughter. I'll might even talk a little about my current pregnancy with our third baby and how my Wild and Free journey is going so far (spoiler: it's also incredible!).
Side note: Everybody has their own journey! My personal birth decisions may not be right for everyone. I am an advocate for UNDISTURBED birth, not specifically for Free Birth. If you are someone who would rather have a medical professional at your birth - do that! I found confidence in myself through research and my God through faith to carry me through pregnancy and bringing my babies earth-side with just my family present. That does not mean that I think everyone should do so. Sometimes there is a need for medical intervention. It is rare, more-so than we are led to believe by the medical community, but I will not pretend emergencies do not exist. Medicalized birth should be the EXCEPTION, not the rule. If you are someone who has had serious health complications, seeking care with a care provider you feel most comfortable with and can 100% trust is important. It is also important to note that serious health complications does not mean that your body has failed you or your baby in any way. It's just further proof that everyone has their own journey!
In addition to my research on all of the above and more, I also looked more into the abuse of power used against pregnant and birthing women in the medical world. We are constantly ignored, bullied, and frankly, just plain abused by medical providers. They do not always get consent, let alone informed consent, for procedures even as "simple" as manually breaking our waters, doing cervical checks (this is medical assault, by the way), performing episiotomies, using forceps or vacuums so medical students can "get the practice", and more. They often times just do it without a question! It usually sounds something like, "I'm just going to make a small cut," or "I'm just going to check you real quick," which is sometimes followed by them breaking your water without telling you that's what they are doing. They do not ask, and they certainly do not inform you of any risks. This is not always the case, of course. Sometimes hospitals do prioritize consent, but it is not as common as you would hope.
Side note: Your baby is not too big to birth vaginally. Your baby's head does not get stuck in the birth canal (unless there is a true medical deformation of sorts, this does not happen). Your baby's skull is moldable! God designed us this way for a reason. Your baby's head will mold to the shape it needs to be to come down trough your birth canal. You've seen the cone head babies, yes? If not, go take a look at pictures of some fresh newborn babies. A lot of babies are born with those cone shaped heads. Not because they were "stuck in the birth canal for so long," but because that is just what babies heads do when they descend down the birth canal. And guess what: they round out within 24-48 hours after birth like it never happened! Birth is incredible, almost like it is God's perfect design! The main "risk" of a larger baby (which, by the way, cannot be accurately determined by any ultrasound) that doctors and midwives are so afraid of is what they call "sticky shoulder," or, shoulder dystocia. You can deliver a baby vaginally when there is shoulder dystocia present. It's all about knowing the correct positions and maneuvers. Which, professional birth practitioners should be taught to know all about. But they instead jump straight to an emergency c-section. Why? They are not trained for delivering babies with shoulder dystocia, but they are trained to put a timer on your birth. It could also be that c-sections cost twice as much as a vaginal birth, resulting in more money for the hospital. Or it could be that it's just easier and faster for them to cut you open.
I continue to research as there is always something new to learn, but I will say that I did not truly understand the (albeit mild in comparison) level of abuse and plain disrespect for my medical decisions I endured at this "birthing center." I left that hospital thinking how wonderful my experience was. I even recommended them to other mother's looking for midwives in our area. UGH!
They did not know anything about optimal labor and birth positions to help my body and my baby work together to get him moving down more efficiently. I suffered more than I should have needed to. They did not offer birth classes to educate me on what was happening to my body in labor. They ignored my declination of the use of Pitocin, and they didn't even tell me when they put me on it! They ignored my wishes for golden hour, delayed cord clamping, leaving the vernix and allowing skin-to-skin, and doing any and all necessary checks on me after the birth. I was assaulted by my midwife by not giving her consent to go inside my vagina and move my cervix manually with her fingers during contractions. I was completely failed by the hospital staff, and I had no idea until I was in the thick of my research for my second birth.
Postpartum Recovery:
I cannot express to you the level of unpreparedness I felt upon taking my newborn baby home. I knew nothing about breastfeeding or postpartum recovery. I was swollen, my back was a wreck, my baby had four oral ties that went undiagnosed at the hospital, my emotional state was absolutely haywire, and breastfeeding was a huge struggle and painful. I'll talk more about our breastfeeding journey in a future blog post.
My back pain was severe in my postpartum recovery, but of course it was. I was pushing on elbows and knees for an hour! Thankfully, I found the most incredible deep tissue massage therapist who helped with that. I highly recommend postpartum massage for any mother. Had I known more about chiropractic care during this time, I would have done that as well. My pain was mostly muscular, though, because of my laboring positions.
I was so swollen down there for several days that I even asked my mother "Did my vagina fall out?!" Turns out, that is actually a thing and it is called uterine prolapse. Thankfully, that was not what was happening to me. I was just that swollen! Sitting was near impossible and I had to sit on my side or use a donut (which they say not to do, but it was the only thing I could do at the time) and I iced like crazy. The swelling did finally go down a few days later, but man it was rough until then. My back pain prevented me from most breastfeeding positions and being able to do anything on my own with my baby. I was blessed to have my husband, my mother, and my mother-in-law there to help when needed - especially with the housework and meals!
This is why having a support system for after the birth is so important. And if you don't have that, this is why postpartum doulas exist! Take a look at my services page for more information on postpartum doula care.
Conclusion:
If you've made it to the end of this extremely long-winded birth story with a few rants thrown in, I hope it was worth it! If not, maybe you'll find more useful or helpful information in my next post on my second birth experience. I'll talk all about how I prepared for my unassisted/free birth, how I got my husband on board, the complete healing the birth brought me, and how I coped with having a precipitous birth with only my mother making it in time to help with the labor and birth. Spoiler: my daughter is named after my mother, so my mother actually got to catch her namesake! A story we can cherish forever.
Thank you for reading, and here's to birthing untamed.
Signed:
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